Final Steps to Cloud Dancing

The beating music of the rain has picked up with unfortunate timing. Standing by recent patterns, I'm tired during the day but can't get enough of the night. No one is awake and there are endless things to do.

Search the internet. Read the news & intrigue. Organize anything/everything. Pour cereal. Read exciting novels. Write. Write. Watch 1 of my fav TV series. Trash texts to open memory. Paint toe nails. Pummice feet. Write. Play with my hair. Become inspired & make random food. Experiment with cooking. Donate to compost. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Ponder my bank account. Make lists of finances. Make to-do lists. Organize previous lists. Sort miscellaneous drawer(s). Prepare folios. Prepare binder's board. Measure. Cut. Measure. Cut. Roll eyes and glue. Sew, sew, sew. Braid & bead. Take pictures of creations. Take pictures of random shit... for the sheer hell of it.

At 3a.m. these things are enticing.

At 3a.m. these things feel dire...

Something about December discombobulates desires. I want to sleep but the alarm clock goes off. I want to go to work but it's not time. I want to visit friends but I'm too exhausted to fake excitement. I want, I want, I want but I didn't shower because I wanted to do something else. It's lunch time but I'm not hungry but I'll cook anyway & end up cooking too much & hate myself sooner than later.

I want something and I don't know what it is. I do know I don't want to want. I'm pushing myself to be a machine, per say, and workworkwork until everything is phenomenal. My retail job, my binding orders, my laundry, etc.

And I've finally developed a sleepy-head. I can only pray I will wake early (and decide to stay awake) to pursue a Sun Salutation. Perhaps it will be a stronger healthier footstep to begin the day.

Bon voyage mes reveurs familliar!

To Bend or To Break?

It's been a hot minute but I can't say I've been slouching. As of recent, I'm a part-time blogger for a communications company. I make and sell art books...they're awesome if I say so myself.

I still work in retail, but---shh, it's a secret---I'm getting promoted soon.

I've been strung along so long, however, that I'm beginning to wonder if it's all crap. Is it possible my boss is taking advantage? I work like a dog--long and hard to be the best I can. I also work for a dime over minimum wage... with a college degree.

I want to believe she means everything she says. Hell, she's so over the top sometimes--pardon my language-- I think she's totally f-ing with me. She's told several co-workers I'm her "savior" for working so hard.

I know I work hard and I know I'm very reliable. I know because it's intentional.

My job may be pretty low-key and I sound like an entitled brat for saying it. It's true though. If employers weren't so selfish in the now, I would have a much better job.

....but no matter the job, I can't help but strive to be the best at it. It's pure pride but it's not as if my superiors don't benefit. I just need to know if the rug will be pulled from under me if I decide to give my boss the "if, then". She'd be daft to think I'm not worthy of more and smart enough to know it.

I'm not ready to leave the store. I've enjoyed working with my guests and tearing down and building up the back room for years. I had hoped for better as a kid, teenager, college student; but this is where I am. Despite abohorring my wages and status, my job compliments a lot of my talents.

It has also taught me something I did not have before: strength. I don't mean the kind of strength it takes to get through the hard times. I mean the kind of strength it takes to firmly and pseudo-aggressively approach a shop-lifter. The strength it has taken me to tell people "no" and that the way they speak to me is inappropriate (or even unacceptable). I'm getting better and this job has taught me to be more forward.

Promotions are tough, though. It's always this week or next week. After I talk to her and after I ask her. When I get back from vacation or get back from vacation. Possibly after the holidays and excuse.excuse.excuse...

I'm uncomfortable giving the "if, then". What if she gets angry with me? What if she drops me into pseudo-unemployment... or worse no hours, not qualifying for unemployment? Could that be why I don't get scheduled much but I always seem to more than double my schedule...I wouldn't even qualify for partial-unemployment?

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

How do I step up to the places I want to go without stepping on any unbending wills?